22/04: SITARBOB FOR PRESIDENT?!?!?!
The following is a transcript of the press conference that Resident Musical Genius and Ladies Man Extraordinaire... a Phenom we here in Glasstown like to call Sitarbob... held on the Porreca horse farm (known to locals as the Ponde-recca). What... You missed it??? (It may have taken place entirely in the imagination of this writer after ingesting what appeared to be edible mushrooms found earlier that day in a nearby cow pasture after a rain. Hey... they tasted good in the spaghetti sauce!)
Sitarbob: I would like to thank you all for coming and exhibiting a continued interest in my campaign for election to the office of President of These United States.
Voice from the back of the crowd: Oh... Thank you, Bob! This is a reporter's wet dream!! This is just too good to pass up!!!
SB: O - kay! Moving on. You are probably wondering why I decided to hold this press conference in a horse pasture.
Voice: No shit!
SB: Well, the reason is, I wanted to olfactorily demonstrate to you just the kind of atmosphere I am willing to work in to put this country back on the straight and narrow. I am talking about that mountain of horse manure called Washington D.C.
Voice: Well, I wouldn't have worn my good shoes if I had been advised that we were.....
SB: Ladies and Gentlemen of the press, I swear on my third testicle that I single handedly intend to clean up our dung heap of a Capitol by firing all the incumbent politicians. They are all corrupt. That's right! No more Congressmen, bending over their Congressional Pages, looking for loopholes in the Law Books. No more bribe-taking Senators... all gone!!! Those guys get more kickbacks than a late night sack full of White Castle! Gone... all of them!!! Except Jeff Van Drew. He can stay. I'm kinda crushing on him. Lil' Blue Eyes.
Voice: Jeff Van Drew is a New Jersey State Senator. He serves in Trenton. That's in New Jersey.
SB: That's what I said. Or what I meant. Or what I meant to say. Yeah...that.
WB: Wolf Blitzer - CNN.
SB: Go, Wolfman!
WB: You do realize that the President of the United States does not have it in his or her power to just fire the entire Congress on a whim, don’t you?
SB: Uhhmm... Yeah.... Sure..... I knew that. That is why the first law I write will be to give me, the President, the power to fire all these parasites and jackals. It’s time to wean these reptiles. These snakes have suckled on of the giant teat of this great country long enough.
WB: I don't know where to start to tell you how many things are wrong with that last statement.
Voice: Give it a shot, Wolf.
Sitarbob: I would like to thank you all for coming and exhibiting a continued interest in my campaign for election to the office of President of These United States.
Voice from the back of the crowd: Oh... Thank you, Bob! This is a reporter's wet dream!! This is just too good to pass up!!!
SB: O - kay! Moving on. You are probably wondering why I decided to hold this press conference in a horse pasture.
Voice: No shit!
SB: Well, the reason is, I wanted to olfactorily demonstrate to you just the kind of atmosphere I am willing to work in to put this country back on the straight and narrow. I am talking about that mountain of horse manure called Washington D.C.
Voice: Well, I wouldn't have worn my good shoes if I had been advised that we were.....
SB: Ladies and Gentlemen of the press, I swear on my third testicle that I single handedly intend to clean up our dung heap of a Capitol by firing all the incumbent politicians. They are all corrupt. That's right! No more Congressmen, bending over their Congressional Pages, looking for loopholes in the Law Books. No more bribe-taking Senators... all gone!!! Those guys get more kickbacks than a late night sack full of White Castle! Gone... all of them!!! Except Jeff Van Drew. He can stay. I'm kinda crushing on him. Lil' Blue Eyes.
Voice: Jeff Van Drew is a New Jersey State Senator. He serves in Trenton. That's in New Jersey.
SB: That's what I said. Or what I meant. Or what I meant to say. Yeah...that.
WB: Wolf Blitzer - CNN.
SB: Go, Wolfman!
WB: You do realize that the President of the United States does not have it in his or her power to just fire the entire Congress on a whim, don’t you?
SB: Uhhmm... Yeah.... Sure..... I knew that. That is why the first law I write will be to give me, the President, the power to fire all these parasites and jackals. It’s time to wean these reptiles. These snakes have suckled on of the giant teat of this great country long enough.
WB: I don't know where to start to tell you how many things are wrong with that last statement.
Voice: Give it a shot, Wolf.
19/02: SITARBOB For PRESIDENT!!!
The following is a transcript of the press conference local heart-throb and hero Sitarbob held on the steps of Millville's City Hall. What... You missed it??? (It may have taken place entirely in the imagination of this writer after kissing a certain species of toxic toad who told me she would turn into a Princess. Of course, THAT may have been another hallucination caused by kissing a different toad because... well... she was hot and I could tell she wanted it!)
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Sitarbob: I would like to thank you all for gathering here. After extensive polling by an exploratory committee, I would like to announce that I am throwing my fez into the ring and WILL be running for the office of President of these United States. Questions???
Wolf Blitzer: Wolf Blitzer-CNN.
Sitarbob: Yes, Wolf?
WB: Who made up this exp.....
SB: Wait a minute, Wolf. I have a question. What kind of a frickin' name is Wolf? Huh??? Who named you...Quentin Tarentino? Were you raised by Mowgli? Were your parents high or something? Were they big Lon Chaney fans or something? I don't get it!!!
...Sorry... just had to get that out of my system. Are you like Native American or something??? 'Cuz then it would be okay!
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Sitarbob: I would like to thank you all for gathering here. After extensive polling by an exploratory committee, I would like to announce that I am throwing my fez into the ring and WILL be running for the office of President of these United States. Questions???
Wolf Blitzer: Wolf Blitzer-CNN.
Sitarbob: Yes, Wolf?
WB: Who made up this exp.....
SB: Wait a minute, Wolf. I have a question. What kind of a frickin' name is Wolf? Huh??? Who named you...Quentin Tarentino? Were you raised by Mowgli? Were your parents high or something? Were they big Lon Chaney fans or something? I don't get it!!!
...Sorry... just had to get that out of my system. Are you like Native American or something??? 'Cuz then it would be okay!
The latest scare portrayed by the fear driven media is phthalates. Yes...Phthalates. No... I don’t know how to pronounce it either. I tried and I made sort of a spitting sound. It is a chemical used to keep plastics pliable. It is found in children’s toys... hence all the hype. Despite the fact that it was tested on rodents in Mega-doses higher than any human could possibly consume, it is fast becoming the new _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ (fill in the blank.... ebola... e. coli.... anthrax... whatever).
Toys treated with this evil substance are imported from (where else?) China and may cause damage to the liver and the male reproductive system. May. Not will... MAY. (You never heard of a calculated risk before???)
(Let me digress for a second... did you notice that the heads of these Chinese corporations who are responsible for putting toxins into pet foods, medicines and toys have been hung at the neck until dead or have committed suicide? Why can’t we institute those types of punishments and social mores into American culture??? Make example of a few of these fat cats and maybe there won’t be another Enron!!! ‘Nuff Said!!!)
Toys treated with this evil substance are imported from (where else?) China and may cause damage to the liver and the male reproductive system. May. Not will... MAY. (You never heard of a calculated risk before???)
(Let me digress for a second... did you notice that the heads of these Chinese corporations who are responsible for putting toxins into pet foods, medicines and toys have been hung at the neck until dead or have committed suicide? Why can’t we institute those types of punishments and social mores into American culture??? Make example of a few of these fat cats and maybe there won’t be another Enron!!! ‘Nuff Said!!!)
